Dear readers,

Before becoming an ordained Christian minister, I worked as a registered nurse for more than sixteen years. I will always remember this unforgettable patient while working my way through seminary. The following four reflections are dedicated to all patients, medical personnel, pastoral care providers and loved ones around the world.

Healthy or ill, there are times when we need gentle reminders that we can be instruments of God's peace while experiencing God's gracious presence even in the most desperate situations. These simple thoughts remind us that God cares for our life and death struggles and affirms our prayers indeed make a difference.

May you experience the extraordinary love of Christ in your holy readings.

Rev. Dr. Sandra Bochonok
Revsandyb@aol.com
January 2, 2002

Instruments of God's peace

"Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope, where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy." St. Francis of Assisi 1181-1226

           Everyone can be an instrument of God's peace when we least expect it. These graced moments might be perceived as divine appointments, interruptions or humor. But God is eager to use each of us as an instrument of divine peace with searching, doubting, and yes, anguished pilgrims along life's way.
           We are invited to experience God's gracious presence in our personal life and share the goodness of our experiences with others. This can be a great source of strength for all concerned. We need to hear our own stories and to share them. Every life has a story.
           Many years ago while working as a nurse, I had cultivated the habit of dropping into the hospital chapel before my assigned shift and praying a moment for those to be assigned to my care for that day. This practice probably helped me more than anyone else, for I began to see those under my care with deeper eyes of compassion. Throughout the day, I would silent pray for people, procedures, patients and their families and work colleagues.
           I clearly remember feeling dismayed when after reporting to work, being "pulled" to another nursing unit for the shift. That particular day I found myself in the Surgical Intensive Care Unit. I felt anxious and unsettled, for the unit was full of critical patients and sudden moments of crisis and high drama. I do remember breathing a silent prayer for help while hearing my assignment to a young man dying of an extremely painful bone cancer. The regular staff was exhausted from his demanding needs and behavior. They needed a break and I was to provide their relief for the day as their "float RN."
           My patient was difficult, demanding and constantly on his call light. Nothing satisfied or comforted him. He was in excruciating pain and seemed to be in great fear. I asked him how I could better help him and he began pouring out feelings from his heart. He was fearful of dying and meeting God. He asked me if I could help him pray. He wanted to "become a Christian." Somehow we stumbled through a simple prayer asking Jesus to come into his heart and help him meet God without fear.
           From that moment, this young man relaxed. He continued to remain in significant pain for the remainder of my shift, but was able to rest with some relief. His cancer did not disappear. His prognosis did not improve. But he had in some mysterious way, experienced a transforming graced moment of divine peace. And God had used me of all people as an instrument of Divine peace. Doubt had turned to faith. Despair had changed to hope. Darkness changed to light. Sadness turned to joy. All this occurred through the power of prayer.

Prayer: Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope, where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy.

God's gracious presence

"O God, you are our refuge. When we are exhausted by life's efforts; when we are bewildered by life's problems; when we are wounded by life's sorrows; we come for refuge to you. O God, you are our strength…help us to believe in your love, so that we may be certain that you will hear our prayer; help us to believe in your power, so that we may be certain that you are able to do for us above all that we ask or think; help us to believe in your wisdom, so that we may be certain that you will answer, not as our ignorance asks, but as your perfect wisdom knows best. All this we ask through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen." From Prayers for the Christian Year, by William Barclay.

           As I continued to work as a float nurse, various nursing floors and units began name requesting me for their shifts. Such was the case one afternoon when the Medical Intensive Care Unit called in with their need for additional staffing. The unit consisted of a large, open ward with beds, monitors and equipment of all kinds. Two private side rooms adjoined the large central room. These were for infected and contagious patients in isolation. There was very little privacy for nurses needed to scan the entire room full of ventilated and bleeding patients for cardiac arrests and other medical disasters. The emergency "crash cart" was centrally located and meticulously checked every shift for life-saving items and drugs.
           I was greatly surprised and saddened to both see and hear my former patient from the Surgical Intensive Care Unit. He had been transferred. The poor man moaned piteously, crying with pain and physical discomfort. My heart broke as I saw how the disease had wasted his body. His lips were cracked, parched and swollen.
           Although he wasn't my patient, I asked his nurse if I could visit with him for a few moments. She quickly agreed, eager to get away from him for a short time. He was dying a dreadful death and very little could be done to ease his pain and torment. It was emotionally difficult to be with him as he suffered without relief.
           I remember bending over him and looking into his eyes. 'Hello,' I said, 'do you remember me? I'm the nurse who prayed with you in the other unit. How are you doing?' And as he haltingly spoke in painful gasps, I could only imagine his despair as I attempted to comfort and remind him of God's gracious presence and concern for his welfare.
           It was one of the worse nights in my life as I listened to him moan in pain throughout the shift with the other nurses. Nothing seemed to bring him relief. Where was God in his pain? Why was God allowing him to suffer so terribly?
           God seemed silent that night. When God seems silent that is often when our prayers are most authentic and honest with the cries of our hearts. For it is then that we realize that God is our refuge when we are exhausted and bewildered by life.

Prayer: O God, you are our refuge, our comfort, our strength, our lifeline. Amen.

God cares.

"Cast all your anxiety on God because God cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

It was only a matter of time before my suffering patient was transferred to a large hospital floor for people with end-stage diseases. For whatever reason, I felt drawn to visit him one day after my shift. I certainly wasn't a chaplain at that time, nor was that calling even a thought in my head. I only remembered this poor soul's obvious suffering and felt a personal concern for him because of our initial prayer weeks earlier and the agonizing shift experienced with him later on.
           I remember finding his room. My young friend was on oxygen and struggling for breath. His body was gradually shutting down and actually would stop breathing for several terrifying moments. He fought to breathe and talking was an enormous effort for him. The staff nurses said there was nothing more that could be done for him and the doctors were well aware of his condition. He was a "DNR," which meant, "Do not resuscitate." This man was near death's door and obviously very frightened. I would be too, if in his situation.
           We talked a little and this verse had been part of my earlier prayer that day during morning devotions. I remember sharing it with him and encouraging him to use it as a breath prayer as he gasped with such effort. The mantra quickly became "God cares," as he breathed laboriously in and out with periods of apnea. "God," he would breathe in, then exhaling, "cares." His body actually stopped breathing for what seemed eternity as he breathed in, "God." He died several days later.
           God cares for me. God cares for you. God cares. And in our deepest moments of need, we often find through our prayer that God is enough.
           Even as this dying man fought for breath, God was as close to him as his breathing. His centering prayer offered him a lifeline, a stepping stone to God. His final breath was not a breakdown of defeat, but a breakthrough into holy, gracious, loving Presence. God cares.
           Consider praying his breath prayer as your prayer today. As you cook, clean, work, play, rest and prepare for bedtime at the end of your day, breathe in God's care with intention and reverence. Become aware of God's loving, gracious presence in your own life.
           Do take a few moments and journal your impressions. It doesn't matter if you write two sentences or two pages. Such graced moments are a gift worth treasuring, for in the hard times of life, we will remember them. Through our memories, we will find our own stepping stones to God. This is a good thing and will offer profound moments of spiritual empowerment.

Prayer: God cares. God cares for me. God cares for you. God. You care. Thank you. Amen.

Our prayers make a difference

"Eternal lover of Thy children, bring us into Thy life, make us sharers in Thy life, make us sharers in Thy love and transmitters of it. Help us to become serene and patient in the midst of our frustrations, but at the same time make us heroic adventurers, brave, gentle, tender, but without fear and with radiant faces." Rufus Jones, Quaker (1863-1948)

After this young man with cancer died, one of his friends searched through the hospital until he found me. This took some effort as I often worked on several different wards. 'I want to personally thank you,' he said, 'for what you did for my friend. He was terrified of dying, but he told me about your first prayer and how that gave him hope and courage. I don't know what you said, or how you said it, or why you said it, but from that time on he was a different man. Thank you for helping him.'
           That conversation took place more than fifteen years ago but I remember it as if it happened yesterday. Now I'm a minister and haven't nursed for more than a dozen years. But being involved with suffering people has often guided and directed my prayers. Our prayers make a huge difference in the lives of others. So many are scared, yet a moment of prayer, silent or spoken, thoughtfully and carefully offered, can help people experience the sacred during the most important moments of their lives.
           I've always loved Quaker spirituality. They are comfortable with silence and often chose their words with great care. Today's powerful prayer is just as relevant now as it was when first uttered. We are called in God's life, to be sharers of God's love even in the midst of our personal frustration. Praying such a prayer brings us into adventures with God and will be a blessing for others and ourselves.

Prayer: "Eternal lover of Thy children, bring us into Thy life, make us sharers in Thy life, make us sharers in Thy love and transmitters of it. Help us to become serene and patient in the midst of our frustrations, but at the same time make us heroic adventurers, brave, gentle, tender, but without fear and with radiant faces."